[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
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I think they could have phrased this better
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?