if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
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*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
How to woo a woman
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.