I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
You Might Also Like
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.