Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
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Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Incredible customer service.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.