My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
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I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.