what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
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Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically