My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
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Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Can’t stop laughing
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today