On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
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My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,