Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
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Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
me irl
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”