“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
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*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover