women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
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My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude