REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
You Might Also Like
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle