A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
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I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.