12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
You Might Also Like
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
This fish is cracking me up
i can’t wait that long
I’m being attacked 😭
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*