The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
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I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.