I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
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Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
selena gomez
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
hmm conte-me mais
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself