Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
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Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct