I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
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My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
People who hate candy corn love telling you.