[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
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Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Those are good neighbors.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*