If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
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The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.