You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
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I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy