*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
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maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots