ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
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there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.