WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
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I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.