You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
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Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.