Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
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[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize