no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
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Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
spicy snake
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.