Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
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Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy