“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
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‘I know a black person’
– White people
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
🙅🏻
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Selfie
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Worth a try
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.