Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
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[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe