The Punning Dead.
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bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Twitter remains undefeated
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*