Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
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Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!