A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
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I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
do what now??
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.