Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
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Ah to hear the music of the angles!
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great