When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
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I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…