If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
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Poetry is my passion
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”