Autocorrect completely socks
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Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
and now we wait
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.