Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
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Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.