“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
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I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
reviewed some movies recently
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.