Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
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[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
No chill.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT