It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
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Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Mornin
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok