Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
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The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Got him!
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it