Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
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Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.