People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
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Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
i will not be silenced
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right