FRED: right
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[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
What if all the cashiers are married?
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight