Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
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[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Denise please return my vape pen
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth