Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
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Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
“How’s your day going?”
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
The devil.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.