I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
You Might Also Like
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
#NeverForget
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.