A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
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C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Thinking about Jeff
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
My teenage children choosing violence
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.