Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
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*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
don’t we all
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.