If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
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It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
🤣🤣🤣
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME